Friday, June 17, 2005
getting really bad gastric... yday night was the most terrible.. wanna puke but nothing's out.. feel so weak and like no strength.. yday went to watch Madagascar with Joel.. was a cute and funny show but it seems that the mood was just weird.. like it was suppose to be funny..but just couldn't laugh it out..when u know that the atmosphere and people have changed, nothing seems to be normal and un-tense..
i've decided.. really decided not to give pressure already.. let it be a normal years..months...days...hours...seconds... if God would want it to be this way, He will work things out...no point forcing and finding ways to get something work out that is not in God's timing...
i just wanna concentrate on my future work/studies.. got rejected by all the 3 UNis.. feel so lost and really dunno how.. at first wanna go work for 1 year and then study part-time private uni... maybe SMU or PSB..but when i told my manager freeman about it, he actually advice me to go study overseas.. it was a enlightenment actually..it was my dream to go overseas to study previously.. to experience the life over there.. and eversince i told my mum that i wanna study a few years back and she say cannot due to $$, i dropped that idea.. it seems so hard to go indeed... but when freeman advice me yday..i was like hmm..it seems that there's a way to go overseas.. either bank loan or relative loan..or something lah..there must be a way.. but now.. dreams seems to be broken again... i went to UOB...OCBC...DBS...Standard Chartered... no overseas study loan... then called all the banks plus Citi Bank... also the same.. only have local tuition loan... the feeling of rejection and broken dreams re-appear in my life again..it seems that these few months was a terrible period..nothing seems smooth.. everything just couldn't work out well.. are these just my plans or God really sent these ppl to tell me of what to do... just so lost... at the moment i guess i need to just focus well on God to show me His plans for me.. i dun wanna do things in vain.. i wanna submit to God..God can You show me something?? a person?? a dream?? a note?? *arrgghh*
i know i shouldn't be like this..but when things all turns out to be another way i just dunno how to react.. my contract in UOB is going to end le.. 30th june should be my last day.. wanna find rest from 1July till the day Joel leaves..17th July..then things will be different.. with new job...new environment to distract me away from the reality.. guess yah this would be my plan already.. work for one year and see how God leads.. maybe someone will appear in my life to sponsor me go overseas? do mission? study? who knows.. lol.. yah..
nowadays really no appetite.. food seems to be so awful.. (which seems so unlike of me to think this way.. food should be my fav right??) just dunno lah.. feel so dull and nothing interest me.. dun feel like talking..unless i have to... not strength to joke..just wanna puke... the gas inside my stomach is making me nauseous.. arrgghh....couldn't get proper slp oso.. i'll wake up at 5 or 6 and will just lie on bed and think many things till 7am.. and i'll get up.. today got half day leave... couldn't take it.. the puking-ness is bothering me.. din see doc..suppose to actually..but i reached at 1pm and they close.. so suey right.. feel like puking again.. *burp*
ok gals min gonna start le..going liao.. May God's Blessing fills the ppl around me..and me also..
*1 more month and you'll be gone....
Germaine blogged @ 5:44 PM